WHYRU Ep 12 – TTFT

DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN WHYRU EPISODE 12 SPOILERS AHEAD – 💔💔💔

I’m starting out by saying that this is by far the hardest episodes I have watched in a recent series. I felt all the emotions in this episode. There was rage, horror, fear, sorrow, love, longing, comfort, heartbreak, then finally hope. That’s a lot for basically forty minutes of a show. Yet they did a masterful job at pulling those emotional strings. I felt like I was a puppet in their hands this episode.

We start off at school. Fighter is riding the escalator up and he see’s Tutor coming the opposite direction, going down. They make eye contact and Tutor glances away refusing to greet Fighter. We know that he has his reasons. He’s trying hard to not give Fighter false hope, or hurt him more by stringing him along. Tutor is trying to make a clean break of it, using his head to distance himself from his love.

Fighter, meanwhile is extremely hurt and confused by the turn of events. Not long ago everything was wonderful in his world, and now his love won’t even acknowledge his existence. He is being treated like a stranger, and he doesn’t know why.

Sorry, most people, especially college aged kids, drown their sorrow in cheap liquor or beer. Yet here’s Fighter in a classy bar having wine to chase away his heartache. Just mentioning it because it also speaks to how comfortable he is with wealth and power because that’s the world he’s been raised in. But it comes at a lonely price.

He decides to do the thing most people do when a breakup happens and drown their sorrow. He drunk texts & then drunk dials Tutor. The sorrow and confusion in his voice are real. He will change what Tutor doesn’t like, he will fix it. Just tell him what to do.

He is desperate and vulnerable when he leaves the message. He’s on the precipice of a breakdown, and you don’t know which way the wind will blow. Will he fall apart with a flood of sorrow and tears or will he be angry at the unfairness of it all? We all know the answer is both. It’s a bumpy ride people cause it’s going to be rough sails for a bit.

He gets a text from Tutor that says: If you want to know the reason, come meet me in the building right now. Tutor wouldn’t say that. If he would text at all it would either be to tell Fighter to stop texting him, or to say lets meet somewhere to end things cleanly. That’s how Tutor is. Especially now that he’s decided to lead with his head and not his heart. But we know Fighter is not thinking straight. He’s drunk and desperate, so he jumps up and heads off to find Tutor.

Clearly Tutor has a bad habit of leaving his phone laying around when he goes to get something or on a bathroom break. The glee in that kids eyes as they pass each other infuriates me. I also am glad they released the deleted scene that I put into my last review as it adds more context to Fighter’s jealousy. He warned Tutor this kid was hitting on him.

One of the only times I’ve seen where the show seems to break continuity shows up in Episode 11. We always see each scene and the action from a main character’s point of view. We know what they know or saw. When they showed us the student unlocking his phone and snapping/sending the pic of Fighter kissing Tutor, Tutor didn’t know about it. The flashback implied that Tutor suspected it, and it was odd that it showed us what Tutor couldn’t see. And if Tutor suspected that this student, whom had a crush on him, sent something that toppled Tutor’s relationship, I don’t think he’d still be tutoring the kid with his arm around him. It seems done in a way to deliberately make Tutor seem like he was flirting with the kid. I’ve also seen Tutor be polite, but not overly affectionate, not even really hugging Hwa, his best friend, so it seems inconsistent to me.

Fighter clearly didn’t look at Tutor, who was still wearing the necklace given to him by Fighter. Fighter honestly knows deep down that Tutor wouldn’t date one of his students. But this gives Fighter the push to do something he’s wanted to do since the breakup, which is to go demand answers. He is using this as an excuse to seek Tutor out.

Let me pause here and tell you how hard this next scene is for me to get through. I HATE IT! I really and truly have only watched this force part twice because it’s horrible. I am so angry at Fighter during this scene, I was terrified for Tutor. I can tell you what he’s feeling, but know this. I condemn violence and force in relationships. I felt this scene viscerally and it’s hard to sit through. Know that I will tell you what Fighter is thinking or feeling but I am in no way taking up for him or excusing his behavior. I’m simply telling you the characters feelings that led him down this dark path.

Fighter, stupid stupid Fighter lays in wait for Tutor. This is a brutal and traumatic scene and I HATE it. Tutor unlocks the door, steps inside and turns to shut the door behind him when Fighter pounces.

He pushes his way inside and shoves Tutor against the wall. Tutor is pinned to the wall while Fighter plants brutal kisses on his shoulders. Tutor is fighting back, trying to shove Fighter away. He’s scared, angry and confused as hell. What’s happening?

Fighter is driven by jealous rage and overwhelming despair. He is punishing Tutor for being with another man and he is trying to claim Tutor as his own. Basically Fighter is trying to possess Tutor, like he’s an object to be owned.

Tutor: “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you crazy?” Tutor shouts into Fighter’s face while trying to get away. He’s never seen Fighter like this before. The gentle lover is gone and a cruel hard person is in his place. Why is he doing this? What is wrong? Who is this person because he’s not the Fighter I know. Tutor continues to struggle against him, but Fighter is stronger.

“I am crazy” “I’m crazy because I love you” Yells back Fighter. He’s like the wounded lion that someone poked with a stick. He’s furious and hurt, lashing out at Tutor.

My heart hurts so bad for Tutor,who in the middle of being brutally attacked by Fighter, yells “I’m hurt!” He shoves Fighter off him and tells him to get out. At this moment he feels so betrayed. And angry. A person whom he loves and trusts just assaulted him, used force against him. And this person is the one he’s trying to protect from more pain. Tutor ended things so that Fighter will have a bright future and a better family. And now, in addition to the emotional pain he’s experiencing, he’s being physically thrown around by the one he loves the most.

Fighter is being deliberately dense here. He’s pretending that Tutor is talking emotional pain. Then he can vent his pain onto Tutor saying my pain is worse than yours.

“I’ve told you everything! What more do you want from me?” Tutor is pissed. Can’t blame him. He’s trying to spare them both the pain, his heart is hurting so bad, then he gets physically attacked by the one who professes to love him the most.

“Told me everything?” This sets Fighter off once again. He’s still in the dark. He knows nothing other than Tutor asked him to let go. He just wants answers and his liquid courage causes him to shove Tutor

Told me everything? What the hell is wrong with you Tor?” (Really dumbass, thats what you’re going with? 😡) “Do you think i didn’t know what’s going on with you, huh?” Stupid insanely blind jealousy here rearing it’s irrational ugly head.

“What do you want from me?” Tutor staring at Fighter, angry, the most angry he’s ever been too.

Fighter unbuttons his pants then he says “I want to do what we did at the beach” “I’m afraid you might forget.” He’s turning something beautiful into something ugly.. Like he expects Tutor to agree, just sex, no feeling. And all I can do is think, stop Fighter, stop before you go to far. Tutor is shocked.

“Let me go P’Fight” Tutor is getting scared now. What the hell is going to happen?

Three times Tutor tells Fighter to let go, and is ignored as fighter shoves him down on the bed. I hate this so much. I wish this scene weren’t here. Fighter is using his strength to control Tutor just like what his dad uses to control him. He’s using his might to make Tutor do what he says as that’s what he learned from his dad.

Tutor’s arms are pinned down. He’s still telling Fighter to let him go. Fighter says “Now do you remember what happened at the beach?” He has a crazed look in his eye. Do you remember the taste? He’s so desperate, at this moment Tutor is starting to pity him.

Fighter’s force lightens, he is kissing Tutor’s neck, he lets go with one hand to reach into Tutor’s shirt. Tutor stays still, praying that his passivity will bring Fighter back to his senses.

Fighter looks at Tutor’s face and says “Do you remember it?” He’s desperate for Tutor to acknowledge that he misses their intimacy. He leans down and plants tender kisses, trying to stir up Tutor, to make him as desperate as he is.

Tutor makes no move but kisses Fighter back, a way to soothe him, calm him down. Stop him from going too far. Tutor wont embrace him.

When Fighter kisses his way around Tutor’s chest, Tutor lays there still will a cold expression on his face. When Fighter goes to unbutton his pants, he says to him coldly “Are you satisfied enough P’Fight?” This shocks Fighter out of his daze, and he falls to the floor horrified by what he’d almost done.

The first thing Fighter does as he starts to cry is to tell Tutor that he’s made him lose his mind. I’m going to do this scene from here, one character at a time so you can see the scene from both pairs of eyes. I’ll start with Fighter, since he does most of the talking.

He finally tells Tutor that he’s loved him from the first day he met him. It’s always been Tutor for him. I knew it, and finally Tutor knows it too. He tried to step back because he didn’t think Tutor liked him or was interested in guys. As time passed, the longing increased. He wanted to get close to him so badly. But there was Hwa, that he thought Tutor liked in a romantic way, then when the excuse of teaching English came, he gathered his courage and set out to open up to Tutor. Never in his life had he been more scared of rejection. Nobody has ever really loved him. What if Tutor couldn’t accept him? Would he be hurt?

He took a risk and he took a gamble on love. He put all the cards out on the table and said to Tutor, I love you and I want to be with you always. You are who I’ve been searching for my whole life.. And Tutor loved him back, and he felt happiness, pure joy and love for the first time in his life. Then they came back and it’s all gone and he doesn’t know what to do. He crawls to Tutor, placing his arms around his waist, begging to know what he did wrong and how to fix it. He will do anything in this moment to make Tutor happy with him again.He holds Tutor’s waist, his head in Tutor’s lap. He is supplicant at the moment, begging at the feet of his love. Tears stream down his face as he says “I already left, but suddenly you became like this.” Meaning that Fighter did as he asked and let go of his hand, but why must Tutor be so cold. Why must he act like they are strangers?

Tutor pushes him away and tells him that enough is enough. That Fighter doesn’t know what he’s been through. But if he asked Tutor right then, then Tutor would answer that he doesn’t love him anymore. He repeats the words, driving a knife and twisting it inside Fighter’s heart.

Fighter is shocked. Never in his dreams did he imagine that Tutor could be so cruel to him. Fighter asks him..You dare say this to me? And Tutor says Yes, I don’t love you anymore now leave. Fighter responds in a way with pain and shock “you say it like you don’t care about my feelings” He starts to cry again. This Tutor is cruel. Tutor delivers another blow by telling him “If you love me, you’ll get out of my life.” Go back. Fighter gets up to go but after a few steps Tutor tells him to stop.

Tutor takes off the necklace and shoves it at Fighter, placing it in his hand. Take your necklace back, I don’t want to keep it anymore. Fighter begs Tutor to keep the necklace even after they’ve broken up, but Tutor refuses to look at him. Broken, he turns away, places the necklace down beside the name card he gave Tutor on the first day they met. He traces the name with his fingers remembering the words Tor said to him the first time they met. The haunting music plays again. It’s both sweet and horribly sad. He walks out the door.

Tutor: He watches Fighter on the floor. He’s so angry right now. Angry that Fighter doesn’t understand, angry that Fighter hurt him. Angry at the situation he’s in when all he wanted was to protect the one he loved. Fighter confesses. He is shocked at how long Fighter has loved him, but isn’t he the same? He never pushed Fighter away during the times it was the two of them. He let Fighter get closer. He should have stopped before it got this deep. Before both of them were hurt this badly.

As Fighter holds tightly to his waist to ask why once again. Tutor is done. He’s been emotionally and physically assaulted by the one person in the world he trusted the most. And this person said “I’ve already left but you’ve become like this.” How else could he be? It would be too painful to try to remain friends, because his heart couldn’t take it. It’s time to put an end to this torture, for himself and for Fighter. He brutally shoves him away.

Enough is enough. You don’t know what I’ve been through. But if you ask me in this moment, I don’t love you anymore.

Everything he’s endured for Fighter’s future happiness. And Fighter wants to blame him and hurt him? He knows he still loves Fighter, but at that moment part of him despises Fighter too. Fighter is weak and broken and once again Tutor has to be the grown up, dealing with the hard issues that need to be dealt with. Tutor again feels so alone in this moment. He stiffens his spine, pushes his feelings down and places his cold mask in place. As he orders Fighter to leave, he repeats, so there is no doubt in Fighters mind, “I don’t love you anymore. You should go”. As broken Fighter turns to go, Tutor tells him to wait. He takes off the necklace and tells Fighter to take it back. He’s given up. He’s not fighting any more. It hurts too much. After placing the necklace in Fighter’s hand, he looks away refusing to acknowledge the last plea of Fighter, to at least keep the necklace.

Tutor wont keep the necklace. He’s done fighting. He’s tired, physically and emotionally. After Fighter places the necklace near the name tag Fighter had written for him, he leaves. Tutor is alone. He’s so angry at the world right now. Why did things have to turn out this way? He holds himself once again as there is no one left to give him comfort but himself. This mirrors the posture he had when he couldn’t find a job, and he was in his apartment comforting himself. He’s back to being alone again. But it feels much more hollow now than before, because he knew the true measure of what it meant to share his burdens with someone. And what it meant to be truly happy.

We then see Fighter crying in the shower, broken as the scene goes back and forth between the two, you see how much pain they both are in. They are both alone again, knowing that the one they love is so far away and out of reach. They both are lonely once more.

Whew……That was tough for me. I’m sure it was tough for you guys. I hope you understand their perspectives a little more than before.

This is also the scene that Zee is most proud of, and I can say he delivered a masterful performance. He put his everything into this scene, and it shows. I am amazed at the nuanced performance of Fighter. And honestly I know he’s not a violent person and for him to have to throw Saint around like that had to be very difficult to do. And the tears. Oh the tears and emotion he put behind this performance blew me away. And Saint too. He really delivered. I could feel the anger, the frustration, the sadness. Kudos to both of them for a stellar performance.

Then we have the sad montage of both of them remembering each other and the special time they had together at the beach. They are both missing each other badly. But Fighter has given up and Tutor has convinced himself that its for the best if they aren’t together. The song is perfect, proving once again whoever picked the music for this show is a freaking genius and they deserve an award. It’s the best music to match every scene. I am honestly so in love with all of these songs, they have made it into my playlist.

Next we see Fighter sitting on a bench looking all raggedy and unkempt. He looks pale and spaced out. Dew come up and has to call Fighter’s name three times to get his attention even though Dew is standing next to him. Dew sits down on the bench next to him, and trust a friend to keep it real for you. He tells Fighter that he looks awful, almost as bad as Tutor. He said Tutor looks more pale though. Fighter jumps up at the mention of Tutor’s name and the fact that he looks ill. He asked Dew where he saw him and takes off to find Tutor.

This scene unfolds and we see how much Fighter still loves and cares for Tutor. He literally catches his love as he’s falling, thus keeping him from hitting the ground. The symbolism is as long as he’s around he will not let Tutor fall. He will hold up and support his love. As he fusses over Tutor, wanting to take him to the doctor, Tutor shrugs him off the first time, but Fighter asks politely to take care of him while he’s sick, and Tutor gives in. As we see Fighter leading Tutor away, we see Tutor smile, happy that his love is taking care of him when he is sick.

Fighter gives a sponge bath to Tutor, being so delicate and gentle. The shirt looks the same, but when Fighter unbuttons it, the necklace is off, so I’m supposing he took it off when Fighter went to get water and a towel. Also he put on the bracelet that Fighter had tied to his wrist in his first year. I know these scenes were shot separately, but I’m putting my own spin on this because it seems consistent with what Tutor might do. He took off the necklace but put the bracelet on so that if Fighter noticed he might understand a little more about him too. If you remember Tutor wore the bracelet Fighter gave him until Fighter announced that he and Hwa were dating, then he took it off. Because he thought their time was over. Now he knows that Fighter loved him back, so it’s a subtle way to tell Fighter he wasn’t the only one with those feelings back then either.

The heartbeat scene is reminiscent of both the time when Fighter’s heart was racing at Fighter’s house and this scene at the beach. They are both feeling the same thing again.

When Tutor asks Fighter not to go, he is allowing himself to reach out and ask for what he wants. He wants to be held, he wants someone to take care of him, and let himself be babied while he’s sick. By the way Fighter is acting, Tutor can see that Fighter still cares for him. It makes him happy and a little selfish. We all do that with the people we love when we are sick. Fighter is delighted that Tutor doesn’t want him to go and wants to be held by him. He holds him so tenderly because Tutor is the most precious thing in his world. Tutor is his heart, his love, his happiness all in one. He doesn’t know when or if he will be allowed to do this again, so he is savoring each moment. He’s imprinting this into his memory so he can replay each second over again later.

Which brings to mind this scene. Tutor’s words are almost the same. Stay with me like this for a while. They fall asleep in each other’s arms once again.

A text message sounds on Tutor’s phone which wakes up Fighter. There are several in a row, so he leans over to check the message. It’s worth pointing out that he know’s Tutor’s passcode. They really trust each other and don’t keep secrets from each other. However, once he reads what Zon has texted him, he uses Tutor’s phone to call someone to talk about what he read, probably Zon.

@PattySH_TH :

This scene hurts my heart. When Tutor wakes up, he’s still drowsy. He reaches for the source of warmth, comfort and love while calling for P’Fight. He reaches over to the cold bed, and calls out for Fighter once more, thinking he’s in the other room. As he wakes up further, he realizes that he’s alone. He looks at his phone to see if Fighter left a message for him. When he sees the message, he remembers they aren’t together anymore. His heart shatters once again as he feels alone, without love or comfort, without warmth. He smothers his cries into the pillow, sobbing for the loss once again of his happiness.

Since the subbing is all messed up I screen shot this next scene with Fighter and his father, then subbed it myself. I subbed it based on the subtitles that were wonky and I think there is a sentence missing towards the end, but you can get the gist better of what is said here.

Fighter comes in so hurt and angry at his father. His father has controlled his life for so long, but the one time he is happy, his father took it away from him. Fighter finally says what he has been feeling. He tells his dad that it hurts too much and he can’t stand to feel this way anymore without his love.

His dad replied that it’s all for Fighter’s future. Fighter is angry enough to call his dad fucking selfish, to which he gets a hard slap across the face. His dad isn’t used to being talked back too. He thinks that Fighter should obey and respect his father, as I’m sure that his father treated him this way. I’m not condoning this behavior but trying to explain where the dad is coming from. I have talked to someone from Thai culture about some things in this scene and I will share what I learned with you. The dad and/or mom are supposed to be respected and listened too, and if you’ve watched any other bl’s or lakorns you know that even if they disagree they are to obey their parents. This is the perspective of their culture:

like…I’m your father and I’ve experienced more life than you. and I have your best interests at heart. you should obey me because I love you, I gave life to you, and I’m ordering this, so that you don’t have to go through pains I’ve gone through.

– twitter friend

This is a way to look at what the father does. I really think he wants to save Fighter from heartbreak.

Fighter rightly asks why haven’t you ask what I like or what I dislike? The dad responds that everything he does is for Fighter’s future. Then Fighter asks do I look happy right now? Or you? Is this what you want for me?

The dad is angry at this. You feeling will disappear and your future is ahead of you. Don’t make a mistake that could cost you a bright future. He doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know love. For love Fighter will risk it all. He is scared of his father, and rightly so. The man is cold, unapproachable, and with a bad temper. But for this love, Fighter will talk back to his dad.

He rightly says to his father, it’s your future. When the dad raises his hand, Fighter stands taller telling him hit me again, I can’t do anything to you. Because he won’t raise a hand to his father. His father is shocked when Fighter grabs his hand and slaps himself multiple times. Fighter is telling him with this gesture, you can hit me, but you can’t silence me. Fighter demands to know why. Why can’t his father be pleased with him? Why must he control him?

This is when Fighter’s father explains the future plans he’s laid out for Fighter. You’ve got to get married, have a family, status and inherit my business.

Business again. That’s all Fighter hears.

The truth comes out. His dad demands to know how he knows that the love between Tutor and Fighter will last? He say’s homosexual love isn’t stable. To which Fighter replies with an absolute zinger of a line. “And your heterosexual love is? My mom left you for another guy.” How can you judge other people’s love?

This is why he controls Fighter. Fighter is the only family he has left and he doesn’t want him to disappear from his life. He doesn’t understand that he’s driving Fighter away with his actions. And it’s also the first time that he hears the word love from his son. Not a relationship but love. The dad is stunned into silence. They both look at each other since starting this fight. For the first time in a long while they are really seeing the other person standing in front of them.

Fighter is seeing that his dad is just a man. A man worried and scared that his son will make a mistake and end up unhappy like he is. A man who doesn’t know how to open up and talk about his feelings, because he’s never had anyone show him how. Before Tutor came into his life neither had Fighter.

Fighter’s dad is seeing a different side of his son. This version of his son is strong, not weak. After the initial attack, he’s trying to reason with his dad. And this version of his son is in pain. Real pain. In this moment Fighter’s father doesn’t know what to do. How did things get like this?

Fighter brings his hands together in a Wai, a sign of respect to his father. He begs his father. Can I make my own decision on this matter, if it turns out badly I will handle it.

We do that to our parents or teachers/mentors. It’s usually meant to show your subservience, or you’re begging for something, or you’re asking for forgiveness. The next level to that is bowing to their feet, which is the ultimate show of absolute respect.

– Twitter friend

The father is sitting in stunned silence. A look of shock at the respect and maturity Fighter is showing him in this moment. Then Fighter does something he’s never done in his life to his father. He bows to his father’s heart. This explains the significance in Thai culture. Fighter is humbling himself before his father, showing a level of respect and subservience he’s never done in his whole life for this one thing.

The father has tears in his eyes. Fighter steps back and says “I’m asking for my life back, Pa” Because for him Tutor is his life, his happiness. Without Tutor he is just going through the motions of life. The dad gives in with tears in his eyes, he walks away, leaving Fighter alone in their kitchen.

Fighter’s knees give out from under him as he slowly slides to the floor. He had used up all his strength and courage to stand up and plead with his father. But he succeeded. His father understood him now, and he was free to make his own choice. Of course he chooses Tutor. Fighter wants to find his way back to happiness again.

We go back to Tutor’s condo and Zon has come to see Tutor. Tutor is still recovering from his illness, but once again he’s wearing the necklace Fighter gave him out in the open again. Especially since their cuddle session happened, he wears it while feeling like Fighter is beside him. It makes him feel less alone.

Zon tells Tutor that he wants to invite Tutor to go to the beach with him and Saifah. This look on Tutor’s face hurts as he remembers the last beach trip, where he was truly happy for the first time in a long time.

Zon tells him he wants to talk about the novel, telling Tutor “We write our own story.” He’s such a good friend to Tutor here. He’s trying to encourage him. I like the fact that Zon references the strength and how Tutor can fight harder than this. Su Su Na…It’s cute.

Tutor, Zon and Saifah arrive at the beach house. Saifah again asks how Tutor is doing, and gets scolded for worrying too much. They discuss sleeping arrangements, and Saifah and Zon will take the downstairs bedroom, leaving Tutor the upstairs bedroom. Tutor wheels his suitcase to the stairs and begins to hoist it up himself.

He can’t help but think about how Fighter carried their luggage the last time they were at the beach. Once he reaches the top of the stairs he goes in, looks at the ocean and lays back on the bed. He is feeling sad, lonely and a little lost. He decides to sit up only to find a mirage appearing in front of his eyes. It’s the person he longed to see the most, the person who makes him feel safe, loved, warm and secure. Then Fighter smiles at him, lighting up his whole face, and Tutor can’t help but smile in return. No matter what has happened between them, at that moment they both feel joy in their hearts at seeing each other again.

Thanks again for reading my crazy long analysis. I hope to do a behind the scenes type post in the next few days. 💕💕🤗