Well, some of you guys may be asking why I haven’t posted anything new in the last month. I don’t talk about this sort of thing on this blog normally, as this is my escape from the reality, but I’m going to share a little about myself and my story.
I’m a 40 something wife & mom to 2 kids who are 1 year apart, who loves reading, writing and has a passion for romance, no matter the gender. I believe love has no labels, and love is universal.
My 17 year old son spent some time questioning his gender identity so I gave the time, space, and as much support as I could to decide whatever he or she would like to be known as. I believe in honoring a persons wishes, even my own child’s. We changed pronouns, and she went by Zoey for a year or two, but other than wearing more feminine clothes sometimes, changing her name, she then decided to go back to Nicholas. He kept his online friends who knew him as Zoey/she, and to us and everyone else he was Nicholas. I want to point out he was an Aspie (Asperger Syndrome) so sometimes the black and white nature of masculine and feminine were hard for him to accept as he felt he didn’t really fit either role. I encouraged him to keep exploring this, and tell us what he preferred.
He decided he was mostly non binary, but went by he to family and IRL friends, and She/Zoey to online community. He was happy with that. He dated girls, guys, and trans girls and guys. He didn’t distinguish between them. I’m not sure if he considered himself bisexual, pansexual or what his identity was, he said he was queer or gay. Good enough for me.
All the while this was going on, he was battling cancer. He was diagnosed after his 13th birthday with osteosarcoma, a form of bone cancer.
My children loved to travel, and we went so many places. In between cancer treatment we had grand adventures. Notice i said in between. He’s had a knee replacement, horrible chemo at 13, done at 14. Cancer free until 16, then it reappeared in lungs and pelvis, more chemo, partial pelvis replacement, lung surgery, thought we were done, spinal tumors came up. I HATE CANCER. In there I started my blog, and he played online with friends. I found Saint Suppapong, and he changed my life.
I say he changed my life and I mean it. Here is someone who has been bullied, been through some awful stuff, lost his father, who was out there doing good for his community, staying positive and genuinely was a good person. I started looking at his faith since he’s a practicing Buddhist. And I began to change myself, learning to change my thinking and my actions.
I gave up thinking I could control anyone’s actions or thoughts. I learned the only thing I had control over was my own thoughts and actions. I could choose to view the world through the lenses of others, or I could say I don’t know why they do what they do. And I can’t know. All I can do is control my reactions to this. I can choose to accept it, or let it go. Just like I can choose to let go of unhealthy relationships. I have control over whether or not I’m happy. I began to seek out things that made me happy every day.
I watched bl, I joined twitter, I created a blog. And my child was happy that I was happy. He found his happiness. I made peace with the fact that we are only given each moment as it comes to us. And to not spend so much time looking forward or looking backward, but to live in the present. To make the most of each day. For that I am eternally grateful to Saint Suppapong. He came into my life during a dark time, and helped me find a brighter, better path.
My son lost his battle with cancer on the 23rd of June. I miss him every day since then, but I take comfort in the fact that he is pain free now. I take comfort in knowing that he’s never gone because he lives in my heart, and he will be with me every day for the rest of my life. I will remember him in thought and actions, and each day the universe gives me a reason to smile, I feel his presence with me.
We had his celebration of life at an Irish pub, where we ate, drank, cried, told stories, shared memories and laughed. That’s what he would have wanted, not the sad, somber funeral. This was on what would have been his 18th birthday.
I know I’ve told you a lot about me, but I promise it has a point to this blog. I feel him telling me it’s ok to go back to something that makes me happy. He would want me to find my joy again. So I’m going to begin again. I’m going to leave a survey below on what you all would like to see from me next. Of course I plan to do them all, it’s just which one I should do first. Thank you for reading my blog. And thanks for reading my story. I promise not to make it too heavy too often. After all, I want this to be other’s happy place as well. Hugs.
So, I want to do several things. I’m going to give you guys some choices, so please help me out by telling me which you guys would like to see first.
Thanks again for reading and voting. I really do love you all very much!
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